Saturday, March 21, 2009

Listening to what she wants

Few people I know truly enjoy one night stands. And most of them are women, who get off on the fact that it realizes their "being fucked by a stranger" fantasy.

As a guy, you will either have suffered through terrible sex (be it because she is ugly, fat or recreational drugs were in the way of full enjoyment), or you want repeat. Usually the feeling of wanting her again starts soon after you leave her place. If the sex really was good, this urge cannot be quenched by fucking other women (even that day). A man's biological imperative is to keep the new conquest for a while or to add it to the harem. It is a less pressing feeling than getting to fuck her for the first time, but if she is hot there simply is no "buyer's remorse" for guys.

This is certainly true for same night lays, but even more so if you put in some effort ("dates" / Day 2's"). Why would you bother all the texting, seeing her again, attraction, comfort and seduction for a single lay? Seeing her crawl back to you, begging you to fuck her again a couple of days later is the ultimate alpha male experience.

For many guys this never happens.

In many cases, especially after same night lays, the women they "won over" the night before start crying soon after they leave their apartments the morning after, sulking to their friends the rest of the day and for the next days to come. They will feel "dirty", "used", "slutty" and will tell all their friends how bad the sex was.

In other cases, they will not feel bad, but "confused" and similarly spend hours with their friends obsessing about every sentence the guy dropped the night before.

Or they will simply decide that "it did not happen" and activate a dialer block on their phone.

All the guys see is that she turns into a "flake" after the "close".

While poor sexual technique certainly can put you there, it is something completely different in >98% cases (while an uber-dick and a talent to turn anorgasmic women into squirters will be enough to keep a woman coming back asking for more, keep in mind how many women happily stick with poor lover's for months and years without major complaint):

Most guys do not listen to what the women say they want.

Huh? Am I not always preaching that women say they want one thing and then go for another?

Yes. But women do not speak (openly/directly) in words when it comes to desire, they sub-communicate their needs.

"Listening" to a woman is in a sense the complete opposite of what men do when listening to each other: You fade out what she actually says, and instead start reading between the lines.

Most men are so focussed on how they do during meeting a woman (approval seeking), they will miss her messages. If you need to counter her indicators of interest to find out whether she is attracted to you, you will not be able to process what she says in order to react to that verbally and read into what she says at the same time.

Women have a hard time sleeping with someone without knowing where this is gonna go.

Sex is such an emotional experience for women, they eventually learn to "manage" it.

If she believes you are just a one night stand, she will turn off anything that could trigger her long term mating instincts/emotional attachment. The resulting mechanical sex is closer to the experience of a prostitute than a girlfriend. Woken can still enjoy this kind of sex, because she feels protected - she will not fall in love with you and get hurt by you leaving her soon after busting a nut.

On the other hand, if she decides that you have the potential to become a boyfriend, she will open up emotionally during sex (to some degree). This woman will be "confused" or "feeling used" if she finds out that she was wrong.

While a same night lay is socially expected to put a couple into the first category, and (experienced) women will steer their sexual/emotional response accordingly, the opposite is true for "dates". Hence the confusion if your goals where not aligned with the expected continuation or termination of the relationship after the first fuck.

Women do not completely decide by themselves whether or not they can open up emotionally and there will be a "repeat" of the initial sex.

Women drop hints at what they think where this (sexual) relationship is going before the actual sex happens. If the man does not react (because he doesn't even get the hint), she will assume he agrees.

This phenomenon has been termed "Early Frame Announcement", and handling it is one of the most important skills in pickup after getting consistent pulls (see introductory paragraphs at beginning of post).

As a man you do not want to let her make the decision.

You need to lead.

An Early Frame Announcement is similar to a shit test. The woman tests for your lead (the only difference to a shit test is that failing to detect the Early Frame Announcement does not lead to a loss of attraction - instead it might to lead to lots of drama in the near future).

If she (sub-)communicates that she assumes that this is a one night stand, and you disagree - make it clear. You will not lose that hottie after doing all the work of getting her to drop her pants for you if get that shit handled. Reframe her if needed.

Franco's original post on Early Frame Announcement can be found here.

4 comments:

  1. In many cases, especially after same night lays, the women they "won over" the night before start crying soon after they leave their apartments the morning after, sulking to their friends the rest of the day and for the next days to come. They will feel "dirty", "used", "slutty" and will tell all their friends how bad the sex was.

    A woman who has come to peace with casual sex, and does not cry, feel dirty or used is one of the worst you can commit to.

    She will have a total detachment between sex and love, to the point that the committed man should not feel the sexual urges the other men felt. Mainly because she now can feel used, can feel dirty, so now sex is different. So if sex is different for her now, means the man cannot have the sexual urges (as we mainly have the same drive for girlfriends or ons's).

    Women drop hints at what they think where this (sexual) relationship is going before the actual sex happens. If the man does not react (because he doesn't even get the hint), she will assume he agrees.

    just like Leil Lowndes claims in her book "Undercover Sex Signals" that women are excellent communicators (contradiction with the title of the book? Go figure), women still think they communicate openly when they are dropping these hints.

    Hidden behing layers of make up, games with passing by men, passing by women, alcohol, games of not trying to appear slutty etc, these hints can be buried damn deep in the interaction.

    This comes with the mistake a man can make by getting the wrong hint....

    Early frame announcement turns the man into the proactive on rather than reactive one, and forces her to react rather than sen ubiquous hints.

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  2. z.g.: Glad you are back here again, too (this should have been the last job-related hiatus for a while). Your comments are spot on as usual.

    A woman who has come to peace with casual sex, and does not cry, feel dirty or used is one of the worst you can commit to.

    Amen to that.
    One of the few things that can hold a woman back from spreading her legs the moment her man turn his back while an alpha guy creates the right circumstances is the fear of never having had a one night stand before (see one of my earlier posts on this blog).

    I put the book on my shopping list. Maybe it can inspire me to another post

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  3. One of the few things that can hold a woman back from spreading her legs the moment her man turn his back while an alpha guy creates the right circumstances is the fear of never having had a one night stand before (see one of my earlier posts on this blog).

    I would relate it more to the connection between sex and feelings intact in all contexts of sex.

    The interesting point is that sex with the committed man is not detached from feelings.

    So when that alpha you mention comes along, she has no problem in having sex with him, as sex in the casual sense is detached from feelings, and it is just sex. Meaningless. (If it is meaningless, why indulge in it)

    In the meantime, the committed man may not even be receiving sex, not because she does not want sex with him, but because he is not giving her the right feelings that will make the numerous bulbs in her sex-feeling association glow, to make it "feel right".

    These two events may happen at the same time.

    On the other hand, with a woman who has the sex-feeling links intact for all contexts of sexuality, the cheat with a bypasser may not occur as he does not give her the feelings of it being right in the emotional bonding level.
    (this woman would be prone to long lasting affairs though)

    Why do I take cheating as commonplace?

    10% estimate of cuckolding, dictates that the cheating percentages are way higher, as not all sexual interactions end in pregnancy, (even if women tend to cheat on their fertile period), due to chance, condoms, other forms of birth control.

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  4. Just noticed that in the first paragraph I am talking about the woman who has not detached sex from emotions, and then immediately I jump to a woman who has. That jump is not clear.

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