Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sex, Life, Love and a woman who is happy

I started reading Jenny Block's "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage". I am always interested in hearing a woman's perspective, especially if we seem to be on the same page when it comes to all women craving to be sluts, so I thought I'd give it a try (I didn't know she is associated with Feministing.com).

It starts promising. This is girl next door in a nutshell (in her own words):

"This is a story about a girl who grew up believing what many girls believe—that one day she would fall in love with the man of her dreams, marry him, have kids, and live happily ever after. ...

She set off for college ... she had several relationships and many lovers, and she was happy.

Then she met a nice guy whom she thought she could love ... she was ready to settle down ...

Then they had a baby and their sex life plummeted ...

And so she had an affair...

She made a pact with herself to try to be what was expected of her ... she couldn't keep it up ...

perhaps she just needed to have lovers outside of her marriage...

she wanted to show him [her husband] how they could love each other and be married - even if they slept with other people"



And so it goes... Her hubbie gets a threesome and they start what she calls a marriage "like most people's marriages - except that they were honest with each other." Great! Really?

So why do we guys keep complaining about female sexuality? Wouldn't that be awesome - to be married to a self-proclaimed "modern feminist slut" who is happy sleeping around and grants you the same "right"?

While there may be men, who do want exactly that in their lives, I doubt that they are in the majority. The truth is an open marriage is the ultimate fantasy for women - this way they get the cake and can eat it at the same time: A loving, caring, "stable" provider beta male to pay for the kids - and lots of raunchy bed sheets-staining sex with the rugged, irresponsible asshole next door. No surprise then, that this book is a pseudo-feminist praise of a woman who "found happiness" (and does not even feel bad about what she did to her husband - before he agreed).

For men, the story is different.

Men want sexual diversity, too. But they do not need to marry someone in order to sleep around without the nagging feeling of being still single.

Why would a man marry if he wants to (and truly can!) be promiscuous?

There is no social stigma for a man who does not marry, there is no biological clock and even if he decides he wants to be with a woman for more than just a fling, why sign a legal document?

Since the man is the one who typically gets the (financial) burden - regardless of whether the marriage works out or not, men tend to be more wary (it is him who is expected to propose, he will be seen as losing the fun of being a bachelor, and typically her parents will pay for the wedding - a tradition that foots in the realization that the guy is at a loss).

The only reason a man would marry a woman is:

a) he can't get laid regularly and thinks he got a "regular sex deal" (typical beta male)

b) he wants someone to do the household (in the West practically obsolete these days)

c) he gives into her nagging and society's pressure (uh, oh - an alpha male in demise)

Women don't get that. They think that if a man "truly loves" a woman he fantasizes about "happily ever after" as much as her. At the very least, if he would want to have kids, he would want to marry her, right?

Why? Can't you just love someone and have kids? Why go to court and sign a contract? Why would a man need any legal security? Especially so, if it is "true, eternal love" that is bonding him to her and vice versa? Are kids of unmarried couples really at a disadvantage these days? There simply is no rational reason for a man to marry (while there are very rational reasons not to marry, such as him paying for his wife throughout and after the likely end of marriage).

Here is why woman are so confused about that issue.

Women marry because:

a) societal pressure of being a "Madonna"/romantic fantasies reared since childhood (they get looked down upon if >30 and single)

b) the lover/provider dichotomy/the need for a "nice guy" to cuddle with (and to fulfill their need to give birth!) in addition to being an alpha's "little slut" (female instinct is to build a nest with a stable man to raise kids - not necessarily his)

c) the emotional predominance in female cognition/the capricious "living in the moment" - women cannot see what lifelong monogamy actually "feels like"; wedding day is where romance novels and chick flicks end (while society portraits marriage as a man giving up his "freedom", women are still seen as virtually "losing their virginity" in the wedding night - in societal folklore women do not give up sexual pleasure, they are thought to gain it!)

d) the "biological clock" (in reality this is less about fertility than about becoming less attractive; sensing their decline in "market value", women will see that they can get the highest bid before it is too late)

The result: Modern urban life

So, during their tewnties women fuck around happily (the same few guys) while most men stand on the sidelines.

Turning thirty, the majority of guys suddenly become attractive. This is often attributed to becoming financially independent or "confident", but the truth is that most guys now are seen as marriage material.

Women feel that their market value sinks, their friends and parents pressure them to find a "great guy" (rightfully concerned about their increasingly bad reputation of "putting out freely"). And upon meeting one of these "nice guys" who they did not even look at in a sexual way before, the approaching-thirty women these days will make a new discovery - the feeling of wanting to "settle".

Biology (nest instinct) and societal brainwash interact and make her push for his commitment. After all, it will be a good deal. Once he signs that piece of paper, he will pay - for the rest of his life. Regardless if he will stay with his increasingly unattractive wife, or if he or she (inevitable) "lose the spark" four to seven years into their marriage.

The guys might be an alpha (think Tom Cruise). In that case, she will not even try to push for marriage. Higher alphas are seen as truly unattainable. They are the exciting men she is truly happy - grateful for - that they have sex with her. There is no need for such a man to do anything else for her - buying her a drink, talking for more than a few minutes at the bar, cuddling, giving advice or emotional connection, let alone marriage.

The guy might be a beta, but he might waver. Her pushing for commitment is suspicious. having been unattractive for most opf his life, he know realizes he is getting offers of sexual escapade the same way the jocks and alphas did since their teens. Why settle now? This is just starting to get fun! The more he wavers, the more he actually moves away from being beta/provider. This will instigate her attraction to new levels. The race is on - she sees in him all the good traits of a husband (compared to the irresponsible tattoo'ed guys she blew and took up her ass for all these years), and now his value is going up in front of her eyes, too!

The guys who actually want to marry remain on the sidelines. Women are too busy chasing the remaining alphas (they will do so for the rest of their lives), and the betas who suddenly have become "hard to get".

Eventually, guys will "give in" or the women "settle for" the guys who are boringly easy to "snatch" as husbands. Either way - she now has what she wanted for so long; all she fought for so hard.

And then what? Turns out that all the happiness that was supposed to happen, doesn't. It is just to people living together, with all the problems that come with that. Plus, sex gets less and less exciting. There is repetition. There is tiredness after long work days and kids. There is her instinct that tells her that the guys who supplicates by paying her stuff and has no other women as options (definition of beta and/or husband) is not attractive. yes, there is her love for the guy - kissy, cuddly, stability-and-all love. But all in all, there is massive disappointment.

And that is where the women have a huge advantage. For a guy to score an affair, he needs to game. A woman just needs an add on Craigslist. Reading stories such as in this book are striking in how much women see themselves "entitled to" sexual pleasure - even at the expense of the marriage vow. And pleasure it is to do something so taboo, so naughty, so slutty in all secrecy. Plus, the guys she has an affair with is an alpha almost by definition. All her romantic ideas of catching and beta-izing a silverback return. She can enjoy casual sex again. And this time there won't be the shitty feelings of waking up alone the morning after. Feminism in the sixties gave women the "freedom" to act upon these feelings. The result (check here and here for other "side effects"):
This curve has the same shape all over the Western world. More than half of all marriages in the U.S. these days end up in divorce. Note that the guy will lose not only the relationship - he will likely lose money and custody for his kids, too. All of this would not have happened if he hadn't married in the first place.

Open marriage has the advantage for a woman that she can enjoy sex, and keep that beta for an emotional relationship and as a a dad. Plus, this way she can get rid of her bad conscience. Plus, she gets to deal with her jealousy.

For a woman, jealousy is tied to the fear of losing a provider. Her husband happening to get an anonymous fuck in the bathroom of an airplane is not something a woman would be happy about, but nothing to truly worry about either (if it is not something regular). He can basically fuck whoever he wants, if she knows - truly knows - that he will stay by her side. In an open marriage she can find out who he bangs and see if there is the danger of emotional attachment to that partner (i.e. another woman "stealing" her man) - a headstart that will allow her to step on the brakes in time.

Meanwhile, the man feels differently. Biology did not equip men with an instinct to keep a purely emotional relationship. The man's fear is hardwired to another dude's semen inside the woman who gets (legal) access to his hard earned resources. A man who wants to enjoy other women - why would get legally tied to one while doing so? And if he truly is in love with her - why torture a male mind with the thought of other guys dicks losing up his wife's snatch?

The problem is not that women these days just bang alphas the whole time, and get old and unattractive, failing to "snatch" a husband. That does happen, and these women suffer for their sexual nature (telling them to go for what they can't get). Most women, however, do settle earlier or later - and profit from a system that was set up in a time (let's say before the 50's) where a marriage contract was seen as a deal (see "why men marry" above).

Most men understand. The result is this:

5 comments:

  1. "striking in how much women see themselves 'entitled to' sexual pleasure - even at the expense of the marriage vow."

    I always have to keep reminding myself of this.

    Women's sense of right and wrong begins and ends with what feels good to them. All humans are capable of and skilled at back-justifying their emotion-based actions. But where a man might feel guilty (or at least defensive) if you pointed out what he was doing, a woman will usually "celebrate" it as her "goddess" reaching "fulfillment" or some such self-serving shite.

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  2. Yes, most women I ask tell me that they see as a wedding vow as conditional. They will say "forever", and silently think "as long as you are good to me". It is one of these cases where women believe that there is an agreement in non-spoken words.

    And "good to me" includes "makes me wet". They therefore see their decline in physical attraction as the guy breaking his vow ("my husband is not attentive/caring/creative/spontaneous/big/lasting long enough")!!!

    Other links always worth pointing out:

    http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

    http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

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  3. 11minutes,


    I'll only say this once, as to not bore you, but I hope you focus on it.



    *Men would happily fuck other women, and probably let their wives fuck other men, if the financial consequences were not so great in divorce.*


    I know of some couples have experimented with "one night out a week alone", and plenty of couples "swing" with other couples, but the men are uncomfortable with these arrangements because they are ever-aware of the consequences of their wives deciding that they like another man more than themselves-------------financial destruction, which in turn makes him much less attractive to prospective females. He cannot "damage" her for other men the way she can "damage" him in a divorce.


    LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.....SHE HAS THE ABILITY TO MAKE YOU GO FROM A 7 TO A 5 BY REAMING YOU FINANCIALLY IN A DIVORCE. You cannot do the same to her (unless you do what some Muslims do and throw battery acid on her face and ruin her appearance or something sincerely whack that would put you in prison for years---) , hence her position of strength over you, all guaranteed by legality. Dont even get me started on how she can, at the behest of her lawyer, accuse you of "verbal assault" and "emotional abuse" and other accusations that you cannot disprove.


    Until we are legally equal again (by adopting the kinds of measures Ive proposed such as joint custody in almost all cases and no child support for either parent, division of accrued assets from the time of the marriage only), men are going to be beta-ized within the institution of marriage.


    You can be as alpha as Hulk Hogan and wind up being broken by your wife through the divorce industry. Look at what it has done to that formerly happy-go-lucky-guy.



    If YOU as the man, could up and leave your wife with no financial consequences for another woman.......................men would truly be assholes towards their wives in a few years just as women are bitches towards men now. Its because they can.




    One of the truest maxims is that of the "spoiled child". We miss what that term really means. Do any of your pals not EVER discipline their kids? If they do then you know what a truly-spoiled-child is. They are no joy to be around at all and are damaged from it. Whipping their ass by the time they are really spoiled has little effect upon them. Instead of being a sweet, amusing, cutesy delights to be around, they are little monsters that are simply endured. Loud, attention-hogging, ungrateful, rude, dirty little beasts. Spoiled as in ruined fruit. We have over-indulged women so much since the 60's that the current crop of them has an enormous sense of entitlement. Like spoiled children.








    For David Alexander, should he read this:

    David, few of us are going to marry a woman who can make us forget about all other women. You also will probably not be your wife's dream guy. But if people dont want to be alone all their lives and go childless, they are going to have to "settle" at some point. You wont be as "in love" with her as you would be with a chick that looks like this, http://lh5.ggpht.com/__ZAwho6T_SE/SF2Emq0VX2I/AAAAAAAAAF4/bIx4lkbwEag/Rita+Faltoyano+0031.jpg , but she will not be as entranced of you as she would be if she was with some guy with a model's face and bodybuilder's physique either. Its a shame that so many women are apparently going to wait until they are no longer very attractive to men to "settle" and have their one kid. The "revenge" of men that Whiskey speaks of is how unfaily women age vs. men. TRUST ME ON THIS GUYS............some of the former hotties you went to school with will look like shit at 38. You literally will have surpassed (big-time!)some of chicks who thought they were too good for you in their prime in appearance and physique BADLY by this time. I know of a few former 9's who aren't even 4's now because of how bad their faces have aged and how much weight they have put on.



    Just about everybody would cheat given the right circumstances. You would, I would, she would, her best friend would. It doesn't mean that you have "lost it". I'd cheat on Rita Faltayano (the porn star whose pic I posted) if I was married to a chick that hot, if one of her uber hot friends came by and I really thought I'd get away with it and she'd never tell. It doesn't mean Rita still wouldn't have fine pussy...................thats just the way human beings are. There is always another hot woman or hot man.



    Our predicament is legal more than anything else. The change in laws is the reason for our position as males. They have to be changed back for society not to eventually become dystopic (unless everyone is in for being true Jesus-freaks). This is my position on social dynamics as a whole at this point. Women at the clubs and bars go "into" the game knowing of their legal advantages in the backs of their minds just like a leopard knows its fast, strong animal that hunts smaller, slower, weaker animals.

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  4. For a guy to score an affair, he needs to game. A woman just needs an add on Craigslist.

    This is the reason an open marriage is a lose lose situation for a man who is not a rock star, or has thousands to spend on women/high class prostitutes.

    For a woman to get laid, she has to show up, and even a chubby mother of three can get laid easily in a night out... Maybe even two three times, in the bar loo.

    A man, in a open marriage, knowing his wife is banging when he is not around, needs to go out, face rejectinos, and come home many times empty handed, when his wife is enjoying the endophines she's getting from some man's sperm swimming in her vagina.

    (there are actually studies showing of "withdrawal syndromes" when the partner of a woman starts using condoms. I have witnessed that in my own ex relationship)

    For every lay a man gets he will be rejected 10 times, for every lay a woman gets, she will reject ten times, if she has some decency.

    This is the lie women tell when "open marriages are equal".. Nope. They are not.

    Similar to a woman claiming it is an achievement for a woman to be "a player"...., which actually is comparable to me saying "Look I can pee"...

    Anonymous

    Our predicament is legal more than anything else.


    In the last paragraph you combine your incentive to cheat with your agreement to your wife to cheat, which are two very different events.

    you cheating does not mean you are ok with your wife cheating.

    Even if there were no legal responsibilities, a wife's infidelity would not be welcome by most men.

    Not that it would stop women tho.

    ---------------------------------

    Hey 11, here is one for you if I did not write it before.

    Girl dating guy, for some reason she does not feel close enough to him to have sex with the boyfriend. Something about feeling used, and not being a sex toy. One month no sex. Gets horny, and goes out to town to fuck a stranger.

    Then expects a future man to respect her sexuality and agree to her dignity.

    That is why I say men with options shoot themselves in the foot when committing.

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  5. Men would happily fuck other women, and probably let their wives fuck other men, if the financial consequences were not so great in divorce.

    I have heard that before - mostly from older, married guys. My dad used to joke that he and his friends are "too wealthy to afford a divorce".

    I do take it seriously. Very seriously.

    I hint at this problem in the post, but maybe it does not get quite clear. The "marriage strike" in the last graph is commonly believed to be due to men's fear of financial devastation during divorce.

    This having said, I still believe that women's perpetual cheating is the actual problem. The potential consequence of raising another dude's brat(s) at the expense of your own is similar to that of rape - from a evolutionary/biological point of view.

    Men have been evolved to fear strange semen in side the females that they invest in (see Primate Mating Systems and the Evolution of Neocortex Size [J Mammology 2008]).

    The fear that she might someone else better and run away thus is a double edged sword: there is fear of financial loss during divorce and there is the biological instinct nagging on a guy's psyche.

    Women think differently. They care more about commitment than the physical. This is the reason why people like z.g. (as I believe rightfully) point out that there is no equality between a guy's cheating and a woman's cheating.

    A woman cheating can cost a guy tons of money during divorce, and/or might rob him of his inborn right to procreate.

    A guy cheating might (at worst) end a trustful relationship. And if anything, the woman is likely to gain money during divorce.

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