Friday, May 22, 2009

Alphas need love, too

My friend Mack is a "natural". He has "always been good with women", but he has a hard time explaining why he thinks that is.

I like to surround myself with men who have the gift of being naturally attractive (these men are very personable in general), but I only have a handful of friends who manage to have the sexual success of Mack.

When it comes to women, Mack does things that defy the reality most men live in.

Mack is well known for his "bathroom closes" (meaning he likes to fuck women he just met at the bar in a stall at the Men's room). Over the course of an average night on the prowl he gets to do that about 2-3 times before he heads home (I have seen women line up, literally).

Now, what is so interesting about Mack is that he got in touch with the PUA/seduction community some years ago. What drew him to that crowd was both his fascination about women and his keen intellect. He was less motivated to "get better" than to understand what is going on, i.e. why the things that work for him do work.

I have seen several "naturals" join in on the theoretical discussions of the community over the years, and most of them had an experience akin to that of a world class pianist starting to wonder about the minute movements of each of her fingers in the midst of a Rachmaninoff concerto: brain fart. Unconscious competence doesn't work when you think about it. Pretty much all of these guys stalled for a while.

Not so Mack. Mack was able to soak in all the diverse theories on how to pick up women, while remaining unfazed when it came to his own actions. There never was a moment where Mack 's behavior had changed. And neither did his success with women.

One night Mack and our common friends sat together at a buddy's house, shot some beers and talked about the lifelong quest for self improvement that brought all of us together in the first place.
Mack lead (or should I say: dominated) the discussion. With a six-foot-something frame, about 300 pounds of body mass, a bald head and a remarkable lack of softness in his voice, Mack's appearance simply is too intimidating for most of us to voice disagreement with his statements.

Mack decided we all should play a little game. He is very fond of "exercises" designed to get feedback from others on your behavior, ideas and plans for life (probably because he needs these kinds of social settings to get any honest feedback or advice from others given is level of intimidation).

The particular game he had in mind resembled one of us blurting out a brief statement of a life improvement goal we were working on, followed by a limited amount of time allocated for the rest of us to brainstorm about that idea.
It turned out to be fun, and valuable for anyone of us.

But when it got Mack's turn, he alluded to something about getting better with women. We all grinned. Yeah, right. Mack sure was about to joke.

"I want to know from you guys", he said, "if it is a good strategy to tell a woman right away that you want something serious?"

There was loud silence for a moment. Coming from Mack this really sounded like a joke, yet there was a gravity and sincerity in his voice that signaled that he was serious. Dead serious.
Nobody dared to say anything for the first second following Mack's statement. And during the next second the group dynamic slowly shifted. It started to become awkward that no one replied, so we all started staring at Mack's best friend. He was the one who should be able to understand; if anyone it was him who would know where this is coming from. And after another long second, he finally opened his mouth:

"You really want to find a great girl, right? I know. You have enough of the fucking around. It has been so long since you had someone you were serious with. And I always felt that you never really got over her."

Silence again.

"Man, I think you are right", Mack replied, "I feel ready for finding someone to truly love again. My question is - should I be open about that? Should I state my intention right away? Wouldn't that be the most honest?"

My thoughts started racing. I an instant I understood where he was coming from. Mack actually felt bad about wanting more than sex from a woman.

Part of his amazing sexual results were based on the fact that he approached the other sex with the mindset of a beautiful woman: He sincerely assumed that he was seen as a sex object by the girls he approached; and therefore he thought that his desire for a relationship was a hidden agenda turning him into someone creepy. Hence, he thought he should be stating right away that he was looking for a relationship - the same way that he had always been stating that he just wanted sex.

I was baffled.

My whole life I had believed a simple fact of life others had told me:
Men just want sex. Women want relationships.

I thought back about my Dad warning me while I was still in my teens. He advised me to not trust women whenever they dispute wanting something serious ("They all do, son. So treat them responsibly in your approaches.") . I thought about my female friends lamenting about their incapability of keeping a guy around after hooking up. And I thought about my own experiences with women, who became clingy the morning after what seemed like a once night stand. I was confused.

"Geez! Do not tell them that right away!" Mack's friend jumped in.

"Let her wonder about it." Someone else said. "She will bring it up after the second date or so."

"If I would only get to that stage." Mack sighed. "How do you get there? How do you tell her that this is not just sex?"

The situation could not have been more ironic. Here you have some guys who met because they wanted to learn how to become more than just a "maybe I like you after three dates"-kind of guy, and one of them asked how to become exactly that. What is natural to most of us guys (women wanting to be in more than a sexual relationship once attracted) was the opposite of what was natural to Mack (women wanting to have instant sex - just to leave right after).

Note that Mack's problem wasn't that he was looking for someone that he liked more than the other girls. It is true that you can be very good with women if you do not really care. The nonchalant behavior that turns women on comes free if you feel either way about having sex with her. Yes, it takes more than a basic skill set to be really good with women even if you do care - especially if you care a lot. This is why many great seducers tend to fail once they find a woman that they deem their "match".

Not so Mack. He really treated these women the same way as he treated all his (many) other lays.

Mack's problem was something else.

Mack is as close to the ideal of a "short term Lover" as can be. Women do lust for him and have trouble inhibiting their urges when he is around because his bad boy-ishness triggers the dark side of female desire.

But what helps him to get blow jobs from married women in the backroom of a club while their husbands sit and wait at the bar, is the very same conglomerate of traits that makes women leave him right after they got the big 'O'.

The profound lack of anything signaling Provider qualities is a warning sign to women thinking long term.

Women have told me before that noticing a gentle side on a man who had just taken them home and roughed up in the bedroom will switch the "remaining stop lights from red to green". It is at that very moment that women start liking a man (in addition to being attracted).

As we all know, with liking goes some of the sexual attraction (Oh, beta-ization what are bitch thou art!). But it also brings on fantasies of a common future, a relationship and an urge to get a guy's cum for kids. If a same night sex asshole-turned-nice leaves a woman after in the morning, she will fail bad, sad, dirty and used - because she started to have hopes.

Not so Mack. Mack is the ultimate alpha. His mating strategy was formed by evolutionary forces that favor men to spread their genes widely while investing close to none (population biologists call this an r-strategy). Women sense that in a man. Hence they want Mack for just that.

Funny thing is - just as betas are learning to become more than "just providers" in order to keep a woman's juices flowing, Mack had to learn to not "just be a alpha" (i.e. unattainable).

And while most guys struggle to reverse engineer what it takes to turn on (and to never lose) a woman's genitalic lubrication, Mack had to reverse engineer how to signal a potential for investment into offspring (k-strategy) in order to find a mate.

A mix of the two contradictory signals being a man who might stay and help raising kids and being the kind of man to whom fucking hordes of other women has become second nature is ultimate aphrodisiac for women (they call it "romance").

Mack is a fast learner. Last time I met Mack he seemed (even )more content than usual. He smiled told me that he is in a happy relationship.
Sorry ladies...


  1. 4 weeks ago when I began stating in clear language that I'm impulsive, love going out, and doing as I feel led to 3 take homes within 2 hrs's strange to see the short circuiting of what all those Michael Cera/beta movies and comedies tell you to think about women.

  2. Everything you say is right, Benedict.

    Michael Cera movies are beta. But I have this weird feeling that Michael Cera himself is a closet alpha.

    MICHAEL: Hey buddy, what do always say is the most important thing?

    GEORGE MICHAEL: Breakfast?

    MICHAEL: Family.

    GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh yeah, family. I thought you meant of the things we eat.

  3. It just goes to show that the women respond to both types of men depending on what they want, often simultaneously. Both are skills to develop and mete out in measured doses to achieve one's ends. Being too far to either end of the spectrum can be limiting.

  4. @Doug:
    No (he's white, tall, obese and bald as a matter of fact).
    And why would that matter?

  5. Oh come on. It obviously matters in terms of his attraction characteristic for lots of girls.

    That an OBESE white guy could pull like THAT (2-3 men's room bangs in a night being common) absolutely amazes me. I get that he's obese in a powerful looking kind of way, but still. I'd figured the 300lbs must be almost all muscle. Never heard of anything like before.

  6. Yes. Hanging out with guys like Mack taught me that "looks" don't matter on a guy. It is all about "appearance". Although it is true that he looks rather "big" (as in muscular) than "fat".

    BTW, Mack is more than well versed in seduction techniques. At some point he even worked for one of the "gurus". I am afraid I cannot reveal more about him since that could lead to his identification.

    Mack is not the only guy who I have witnessed pulling several bathroom closes in a single night. I might blog about the other guy at some point - a "natural" who joined the local community and eventually became an instructor. It is interesting to contrast said guy with Mack since they are on complete opposite sides of he spectrum in almost every aspect imaginable.

  7. How hot are the girls this guy is pulling?

    I'm not trying to be too hung up on the numbers, but does guy pull a lot of 8+?

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