Saturday, May 23, 2009

Online dating = "Woof!" ?

About a year ago I went on for a while to try my hand at meeting girls online. My strategy was to put up a profile with good pictures and some requirements for the women who might want to date me. I was pretty severe: they had to be beautiful, had to read real books, had to know how to cook, they could do yoga but weren't allowed to talk about it, etc. etc. I didn't spend time trying to qualify myself, but instead suggested that the girls should qualify themselves.

Talking to my first couple of dates confirmed what should be obvious: that girls on dating sites are constantly inundated with "winks" and messages and groveling and propositions. Waiting for them to come after me was the winning strategy. First of all, I didn't have time to go trolling through all the pages and finding a girl that met my standards. Second of all, waiting for girls to contact me put the power back in my court. There's a certain desperate stink hovering around man's online profile: if he's a good catch, what's he doing online? Letting girls approach didn't remove this entirely, let's be honest, but it certainly put them in a lower position than my own, and that's really all that matters.

[For nascent alpha men that want to go this route, I highly recommend putting up a profile that is very demanding and then waiting patiently for women to come after you. You may put up hints about the most interesting parts of your life (if you make good money, or you travel, or you are well-read, or well-hung, etc. etc.) but do not brag about these things. Dropping a subtle hint is the key. Then wait patiently, patiently for girls to contact you. You have a far greater chance of landing a girl who came after you than you do of landing a girl who you have been chasing. It might be tempting to start winking at every half-cute girl you see... but you are strong! You stand tall.]

So rather than troll the profiles, I just checked my email once a day and saw who had approached me and, if she was cute in her pictures, responded as I saw fit. I got probably five good lays with 7's and 8's (no 10's in the online dating world, sorry guys), one of whom turned into one of the better medium-term relationships I have had in recent years. All in all, it was a worthwhile experience. I got pussy, I got over the stigma of online dating, and I learned a lot about power dynamics between men and women.

After a few months, and a couple of real dud dates (including one of the only times I turned down a 9 for sex... a tall, stunning black model with the most incredible legs, but my God she was annoying and retarded and had the worst manners I have ever seen), I looked at my dating situation, decided I had enough warm water to go diving in, and canceled my account to save myself the 60-odd dollars it was costing me.

Just the other day for the first time in ages, I checked my "garbage" email account that I use for signing up for various programs. You know, the one that gets swamped with spam and that you don't use for work or for friends, but only for shit like On the top of the inbox list was a proposition from match asking me to check out these new "matches" they had sent me. So I clicked over and that led me to a little 30-minute investigation of the prospects out there.

One word: woof! I couldn't believe how ugly the women were. I knew there were lots of ugly women, and I don't begrudge them looking for love online... everyone deserves a shot at finding an equal. But if memory serves, there used to be a few cuties mixed in with the heifers. But I clicked through a few hundred people and hardly found a single one that piqued my interest. And keep in mind that most people put up pictures that are far more flattering that the real deal.

I live in New York City where there are more beautiful women than anywhere else in the country with the possible exception (depending on your taste in girls) of Los Angeles. There are certainly more single women here than anywhere else. So that's not the issue. The field is vast and deep.

So I'm curious... have my standards gone up that much (possible, but I've had high standards for a long time now), or has something happened either (A) among the pool of desperate women, or (B) to the general pool of women who venture onto online dating sites? Or maybe is not the right place to look anymore? For social experiment reasons I am curious.

Comments, please.


  1. Master:

    i'm not sure what the explanation is.

    i remember in the late 1990s when AOL Instant Messenger was taking off. I spent time every night chatting up random chicks, trying to get laid. I was able to get some action, and luckily, i also formed some lasting friendships.

    at first, the chicks were quality. you could go on there and chat up a good looking chick. i began noticing after a couple of years that the quality of chicks had declined rapidly.

    The chicks had become more goth, more involved in various subcultures, sluttier, and fatter. i posted about it on my blog here:

    this same thing has happened on craigslist, where men used to actually hook up through "casual encounters". myspace also used to be a social networking site that guys could exploit in order to make connections. after the novelty of these sites wore off, after guys like you and me had fished out the cream of the crop, the sites started declining in quality.

    i don't know if what you did by dating some women from those sites and having sex with 5 or so would be considered pump-and-dump; you'd have to ask them, but after those sites gained traction as a reliable means *for men* to get *any* action, they were quickly exploited.

    in this facet, men ruined it for themselves. the selfishness involved in these endeavors mixed with quickly adapting females is one of the reasons i doubt the structural strength of PUA game.

  2. Chuck:

    Hmm, interesting theory. Kind of like when great clubs get discovered and overrun with douchebags, you mean? That seems like a plausible explanation.

    People are always switching from one thing to another, however. It's all sped up these days. Remember Friendster? MySpace is already turning into a wasteland. In three years no one will be on Facebook; today it's consider de rigeur.

    The structural strength of the "trick"-based game is indeed weak. Nevertheless there are lessons to be learned that are universally applicable, no matter how the landscape changes. One of those lessons should be to avoid mindless herd behavior, though of course that often goes unlearned by the stupid.

  3. i think the feedback of your actions and women around you have indeed raised your standards. i find this happening in terms of women i would consider for LTR....the number is dwindling though my ability to get women is increasing....
    trick and routine based game is the quick save feature for guys not willing to come to terms with who and what they are.

  4. I think online dating is terrible. As a woman, I feel the same way you do about the attractiveness of the people in the online dating world. I just feel like if people are having trouble finding a mate in the real world...that says something.

    However, to refute what I just said. I live in Los Angeles and I would rate myself an 8. I'm attractive, fun, funny, outgoing, kind, great in bed, blah blah blah. But I have yet to have a relationship in this city. I feel that this generation is becoming one of flings and one night stands and people are forgetting how to find true connections. So therefore, I have considered online dating in order to find emotional bonds. But, I still can't bring myself to pay to meet people online. I'm already paying to meet people at bars! Yuck!

  5. I love hearing a man's perspective on online dating. From a woman's perspective, I have to agree with you that online dating = woof!! There weren't any attractive suitors for me on their, so I got over the whole online dating thing. I think I'm just gonna try my luck meeting people the old fashioned way. So do men ever take women who approach first them seriously? Women are taught amongst themselves to wait for a man to approach them, but how the hell is that going to work out when men are doing the same thing? The whole concept of dating just perplexes me!

  6. LASE:

    Likewise, it's interesting to hear the female's persepective from you and Irene.

    I can't speak for other guys, but of course men resepct women who approach first on those things. Like I said, I met one of the best women I have met in years (in terms of quality of character, beauty, general fun, etc etc) on there and she approached me. I have nothing but praise for this woman.

    There are so many other heinous things that do women that make me lose respect for them, her making the first approach is way down low on the list .... though of course she shouldn't get too used to initiating things... or she'll be in for a surprise.

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