Friday, June 19, 2009

Why I Love Difficult Women

This comment thread at roissy in DC's blog got me thinking about why I love difficult women. Specifically, this post by commenter Poetry of Flesh:

And, yes, your desire to wish that the girl would provoke you at the right times so you can do such things?

That’s what I do.

It’s not being a bitch, it’s being aware of my partner. Knowing that I’m with a sexually dominant male and working off the information he gives me with his tones and body language, knowing his limits, and pushing all the buttons that would -almost- make him lose it, but never will because I’ll never go that far across his boundaries.

It gives him an excuse, gives him justification, gives him the motivation, the stimulation to do whatever the hell he wants with me.

And, if I’m lucky, it’s rough enough.

That's my kind of women. Miss Poetry, aka Visceris, has her own blog here. Seems like an interesting girl; a more self-aware and in-control (perhaps) version of some girls I have known.

In this instance, Miss Poetry is talking about goading her man into smacking her, but it applies more generally than that.

Among the many wonderful qualities of pretty, young women — beauty, liveliness, grace, curiosity, a love of adventure — so much is obviously positive. Then there are other qualities that are often considered negatives, like sassiness, petulance, and a certain pouty recalcitrance. But to me these are just as charming as the twinkling smile when she's happy. I find petulance just as attractive as grace, so long as the two can hang in some sort of balance (a woman who only pouts and never bubbles over with joy is indeed a bore).

It's a great fallacy that black is the opposite of white. Black is the complement of white. Contrast is what makes life beautiful. In fact it's what all of life is composed of. A completely blank surface is not even there until someone makes a mark on it. Human beings, especially Save-the-Earth lefties, have an odd tendency to try and scrub the world clean of contrast and struggle. But contrast and struggle are what give us meaning. The light contains the dark, and the dark contains the light. Life is full of contrast whether you like it or not, so you might as well relax and enjoy it.

Those who want to erase the difference between the sexes are trying to scrub life right out of existence. They will never know true love. And of course, they are always the most miserable people, forever at war with themselves and the very nature of the world.

I love a difficult women because she's fun. She pulls out my most masculine side, and my manliness in turn brings out her most feminine. The most vivacious, interesting, graceful women are always the same ones who can turn sassy and difficult at a moment's notice. They're alive in the way that most civilized, SWPL clones only read about in books (and then, only if they read the classics, since characters in modern novels are usually sad shadows of authentic humanity).

I'm thinking of a particular young girl I know, "Sylvia," 23 years old, spanish blood and a daddy's princess at heart. She is the most jealous, pouty creature I know, but might just be one my very favorites. She can laugh open and honestly, with real unadulterated happiness. She can turn tenderhearted at the drop of a hat when she sees a child or small creature in need (and her tenderness has none of the holy posturing that most liberal "concern" for the less fortunate has; only a pure, self-forgetting desire to alleviate the suffering immediately). She is loving and graceful in bed (and wild, and uninhibited).

When she gets difficult, I get mean. Sometimes playfully cruel, sometimes quite harsh. And, though she will pout for a bit, she loves it. Afterwards, always, she clings all the harder for it. That dynamic has been explored again and again on PUA and evo-psych blogs. But I want to point out that the woman is not the only one that loves that dynamic. Men love it, too. And so, in a way, I am grateful to Sylvia when she pisses me off with her childish recalcitrance. She helps set in motion the dynamic that leads us both to more fun, more passion, and epic fuck-fests.

It's a sad, sad truth that many people who read this will find in my portrait of Sylvia the picture of an airheaded, unfulfilled and unfulfilling girl. Because she's not a hard-charging, take-no-shit, careerist cunt. Because she doesn't go around ironically laughing at low-culture people while she munches on her organic free-range acaí berry granola. The poor, lifeless, bitter and grey-minded will accuse her of not standing up for herself. Of being a "doormat." I assure you nothing could be further from the truth. Sylvia is far more alive than most American women I know, and curious about the world in the way an Ivy degree could never make you. But feminism has so deeply poisoned everything good about women (the grand irony is that it has hurt women most deeply of all, sucked from them the possibility of real, authentic happiness), that when confronted with a real woman, the feminist goes into a defensive crouch. She is like an astroturf salesman trying to convince you that a wild mountain meadow isn't green enough.

Women out there reading this who have considered acting more girly, give it a shot. Chances are, if you are American, it's already far too late for you. Any refreshing girliness you try to contrive will be forced and grotesque, like 40 year old women learning to pole dance for their impotent husbands. And probably your beta boyfriend's attempt to "man up" in response (if he's not too terrified to try) will be just as sad. But for those of you who haven't completely quashed and repressed the feminine inside you, nurture it. It's there to make your man happy, and to make you happy too.


  1. Agreed. Vive la difference. It's stupid to pretend we aren't different at heart, yet it is a founding principle of the feminut's delusion.

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  2. that capriciousness is what I adore, the contrast. my favorite girl, the one i nearly considered marrying, was of this order. she had this orderly logical, professional side, but in the time we spent together, we laughed, loved, had intense sex to the point where she would semi-fight me off....she was genuine and un-apologetic for her emotions and her willingness to follow her own volition...and i loved her all the more for it. great post. sass is what makes a girl interesting...she's pressing your buttons NOT out of malice, but to provoke you in a good be a bit rougher with her. read that: sexy as f'ing hell.

  3. Only half way through the article; great perspective.

  4. @Alpha:

    One can almost feel sorry for feminists.... almost.

  5. "40 year old women learning to pole dance for their impotent husbands"

    ghastly and funny. but free range ... granola? non-sequitur. my favorite SWPL product is "shade grown" organic coffee. WTF? just a b.s. way to charge $4 for a cup of coffee instead of $2.

    women have to act masculine in the workplace - most workplaces, anyway - because the workplace is male, created by men, organized around male values and strengths. if your Sylvia had to work in a law or accounting office, she'd probably have to adapt her behavior to that as well. But she didn't choose it, which is part of the point.

    Not disagreeing with your post at all - far from it - or defending feminazi behavior. Only that it's probably hard to walk that line of being one of the guys during the day and a girl after hours/weekends.

  6. Then there are other qualities that are often considered negatives, like sassiness, petulance, and a certain pouty recalcitrance.

    I'm obviously the outlier here, but the qualities outweigh any of the positive qualities, and I'd much rather be alone than put with immature and annoying traits that come out of some bizzare desire to be feminine. I am in no mood to deal with stupid childish shit from an adult.

  7. maurice said:

    it's probably hard to walk that line of being one of the guys during the day and a girl after hours/weekends.

    That's true. A little sympathy is in order for women in this situation. Of course, that makes the ones who can walk that line successfully all the more valuable.

    David Alexander said

    I am in no mood to deal with stupid childish shit from an adult.

    So, slightly tongue in cheek here, but only slightly: what's the difference — on the mature adulthood scale — between a woman's flirty childishness and the childishness of a man taking his ball and going home (and staying there) because the other people don't play the way he wishes they would?

  8. And btw, maurice... about the granola... that was the point. The absurdity of fashionable consumption these days.

  9. what's the difference

    The difference is that the man who goes home and takes his ball with him doesn't bother anybody and he keeps to himself. In contrast, the childish woman bothers the men that she interacts with her stupid and immature behaviour.

  10. David:

    Fair enough. To each his own.

  11. Master D--

    Your post is really one-sided and very sad.

    You seem to assume that women who are naturally into "manly stuff" or AREN'T into mythical "female" things like cooking and cleaning (ie: servant's work) are somehow weird, miserable, and deserving of pity???

    How does that make you any better than women who want to condemn all men who do NOT "pay, protect, and provide" like men were *allegedly* "supposed to do as men"?

    Do you feel that all men who DO NOT pay for their kids, bring in all the income, and have traditional "manly" jobs are all miserable freaks of nature who are unwanted by others?

    I mean....don't you think you're being a big, fat hypocrite here?

    Are you condemning also the men who are "professional chefs" and "straight fashion designers" like Tommy Hillfiger and Michael Kors as "miserable losers" because they have succeeded or have interest in commonly "female" professions?

    I think you know what I'm getting at, here.

    Who are you to say what women are supposed to be like and not be like? There are tons of women who hate "girly stuff" and there are tons of men who hate "manly stuff".

    Guess what? They're aren't all dying alone because there are always men and women who LOVE a ballbusting bitch (like my exes did) or who LOVE a sensitive, emotional guy....

    Basically this article seems like a random slam to any woman who isn't what you think women should be like (which is a perfect balance of both masculinity and femininity).

    Well, everyone wants gold bars, ice cream, and magic ponies for life....but if you think anyone who doesn't fit those qualities (like the other 90% of men and women on earth) are "miserable" or weird are probably (and always will be) a really bitter, lonely guy.

  12. Lady Raine:

    you wrote: You seem to assume that women who are naturally into "manly stuff" or AREN'T into mythical "female" things like cooking and cleaning (ie: servant's work) are somehow weird, miserable, and deserving of pity???

    I guess the key word here is "seems," because I didn't write anything of the kind here. I suppose I can entertain that my words weren't well-chosen enough if you got that impression from reading this. But I'd also venture to suggest you are probably reading something into this that's not actually there in the text. I never said anything about cooking or cleaning, or about "manly stuff."

    How does that make you any better than women who want to condemn all men who do NOT "pay, protect, and provide" like men were *allegedly* "supposed to do as men"?

    Do you feel that all men who DO NOT pay for their kids, bring in all the income, and have traditional "manly" jobs are all miserable freaks of nature who are unwanted by others?

    Well, again, I wouldn't have phrased it this way, with quite such vitriol and contempt. But yes, I do feel that men who fail to act "manly" are not living up to their full potential, and insofar as that makes any being less happy, they will be less happy for it. I wouldn't use the term "miserable freaks," but then, I didn't use any such terms about unwomanly women either.

    Moving on, I have no problem with male chefs or male designers. One of my closest male friends is a professional chef, and a damn good one.

    I haven't read your blog in a while, but if I recall, you are into fighter jets and other cool machinery and military stuff. Awesome. Me too. I have no issue with that at all. I hope you haven't construed that I do. Personally, I'm into ballet and baking, and don't consider myself any less "manly" for it. Life is rich and varied, to be sure. If that's your point, then point taken. But again I think you are arguing a bit of a straw man there. I never wrote or even implied the things you say here.

    I use the example of "Sylvia" to make my point, and she happens to be extra girly. But I don't therefore infer that wearing pink high heels and cooking muffins is the only way to be womanly. Perhaps that's a little unclear in this post, but I really think a little more benefit of the doubt is in order on your part.

    Finally, it's not a "random slam." It's a blog post that's from the heart, coming from my experience and my thoughts. Yes, I prefer one kind of woman over another and yes, I even go so far as to suggest that certain women are probably unhappy when they deny their own womanhood. But I have to disagree if you see this post as somehow hateful or niggling or coming from a place of spite.

    Perhaps it doesn't come through very well on this particular post, but I suspect that if you read back through the archives — which it seems you have, judging by your comments elsewhere on this blog — you can see I'm not bitter or lonely at all. Imperfect, sure. Looking to improve my relations with women, you bet. But not really bitter... I'm relatively happy, with that little smidge of wistful yearning that I think most people have.

    Your post is half honest disagreement and half personal attack. If you post again, please refrain from the "you are probably (and always will be) a really bitter, lonely guy" kind of comments. Otherwise, thanks for the interesting critique.

  13. I can't appreciate your points deeply enough. As a guy who habitually goes for alpha females and ends up fighting so much with them that it's just not worth it anymore, I feel both acutely envious of your find and acutely aware of my unhealthy criteria for domineering women at the same time. I like a strong girl, but the trouble is I don't like her running all over me either, so what we end up with is an untenable situation which makes everyone miserable. I'll also add that feminism has grown beyond the U.S.--It's worse in Canada where I grew up, and it's already spreading south. I've lived 6 years in Panama, and there is plenty of feminism amongst the latinas here and from surrounding countries. (But I'll admit I seem to have a talent for finding the bitterest pills to swallow.) Keen insight. May men be men and women be women! It's time to change my tack.

  14. women are very difficult to meet as it is, and i do not like women that make things harder. they certainly need to grow up, since many of them are a tease to begin with. i hate going out as it is, because i am not into the bar scene. so meeting a real good woman today is like looking for a needle in a haystack. many women these days are not really looking for men like they once did, and with so many women today that are into other women, it makes it much more difficult for us straight men now.


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