Monday, February 14, 2011

Being Comfortable With Women Pt 1.5: A digression on hair

In my last post, I promised a post called "Little Triumphs." But I realize that that's a little too militaristic for my sentiments. And it's my freaking blog. So we're calling this "Little Glories" instead. Actually, we're calling it a digression on hair. The Little Glory is soon to come. Those of you just looking for war stories, come back in 36 hours or so.

Thalia: picture her. Young, beautiful. Not mesmerizing, not perfect, not a 10, but very beautiful. The kind of woman we should all love and appreciate. The classic 8. She had full lips, dreamy dark eyes, and a mild, constant expression of sweet irony. Her breasts were medium sized, but young and high, and she had a classic, Greek slope to her waist, hips, and thighs. No man would call her Helen. But every man I have ever met would call her beautiful, and eminently fuckable

I already mentioned her fantastic hair. Hair shouldn't be undervalued. There are reasons men like luxurious long hair. Basically, your hair is a record of your health. Hair is dead, but it comes from a living follicle. Long, beautiful hair is physical proof of something that is otherwise very difficult to prove: a record of luxurious health.

If a woman suddenly starts taking massive amount of methamphetamines, for two months, and consumes only vodka and Cheetohs in that time, her hair will grow brittle and stringy as a result. It's very rare that a woman (or man) goes from full health, to two months of meth-headedness, directly back to full health. I do not deny that this is technically possible, but I have never seen it in real life and I don't expect to see it, ever. But if it were to happen, and the woman never cut her hair, you would see a distinct band, about an inch and a half long, of stringy, nasty crap that represented her time as a meth head.

This is why men (and women) appreciate lovely hair. I actually happen to have thin hair. I'm a devillishly handsome fellow, to be sure, and my regally thin crown only screams my masculinity, but I never chose the male curse. I surely wish it was otherwise, and that I were Alec Baldwin, follicularly speaking. But actually (factoid for the day, dear readers) it is the very presence of men like me that makes men like me love long haired beauties.

There is such a thing as female baldness. And it's profoundly unattractive. There is, of course, such a thing as male baldness, and it's about 10,000 times more common than female baldness. It's somewhat attractive, to some people at least. But it's a marker of maleness, to be sure. No one ever looked at Patrick Stewart and proclaimed, "Dude looks like a lady!"

And this is why long flowing hair is generally associated with women. Some men are capable of long hair. But no woman (except the genetic reject) is capable of baldness. The male-female dynamic when it comes to hair is especially noticeable when you factor in age. A young woman, stunningly beautiful, who shaves her head, might actually still be really hot. She's like the young hipster who wears a disgusting rat's nest hairdo, relying on her youthful skin and tight body to advertise her beauty. No fifty year old woman who isn't a cancer patient would ever shave her head. Ever.

Likewise, we all can think of young men who look sexy and desirable despite their long hair. Clay Matthews or Mick Jagger or a Jonas Brother. Maybe you ladies object to one or the other of these fellows (Clay too roided out and cavemannish, Mick too preening and scrawny, Jonas too babyish), but probably it's not the hair that does it. The hair is actually kinda hot. The way super boyish hair is hot on a pretty young girl. Oh man, dont' get me started on that one girl with a buzzcut in my freshman dorm. Yowza. (Blog material! I haz it!)

But no one — NO ONE, I say — thinks long hair on a 50-something guy is hot. 50-something guys can totally be hot to younger women. But it better be money or status or game or personality. Even a nice tan. It better not be your Fabio locks, holmes. A 55 year old guy with a ponytail is exactly as hot as a 55 year old woman with a shaved head. Ick.

Why? Because baldness (short hair) is male and flowing locks is female.

Long hair is a pain in the ass, I know. I fully understand why women get sensible haircuts. I have no beef with a woman who colors her hair or goes for funky cuts or whatever. It's not easy, I know. Trust me... my genetics, awesome and scary and Viking as they are, keep me from doing every rad thing I wish I could do with my hair.

But. If you women at all have the ability to grow long hair, and if you at all can manage to grow it for a couple of years without becoming a meth-head Cheetoh-eater, my personal advice is do it. It's freaking sexy. When in doubt, grow it out, ladies.

By the way, Roissy is hit and miss these days and he's lost the automatic endorsement I used to give him. Too much crap mixed in with the gold. But he's still one of the best out there, as you all know. On the subject of hair, here's one of the single best things that ever appeared on that blog.

So then... where was I? Oh yeah! Lesbians! Sex! Fun and games. Just hang on one more post, you jackals. I'm getting there. Sex.... hair... lesbians....


  1. interesting digression. I'm in my 30s and still have longish hair, but you are right. It will have to go before too long holmes

  2. Most men with long hair cause me to smirk, unless they have that Euro thing going for them. Bald men, however... mrowr. I hope to keep this mid-40s bald-man thing of mine going for awhile.

    You're completely right, of course about women's hair.

  3. Interesting thing. I'm in central America this week (hence slow posting and annoyingly misordered posts, which I will fix eventually). The awful fauxhawk rattail greasy nest hair "style" has been popular for at least 5 years here, for guys.

    Women wear their hair almost universally somewhere between chin and shoulder. Never shorter, rarely longer.

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