Thursday, February 24, 2011

Stealth One-itis

Once I talked to a really cute girl at a grocery store. She was my checker, and I had a lot of items, a random assortment of truly odd things I was buying. I was buying them for an unusual project, and I joked with her and teased her a bit trying to make her guess what it was. Eventually I told her and she had the "Wow you get paid to do that?" reaction I was going for. What a sweet, pretty girl.

Thing is, I was just visiting that town, and was in fact on my way out of town. I wasn't even thinking of getting her number. I was just enjoying a fun conversation with a pretty, young woman. (If you don't already live your life this way, incidentally, my question to you is: why not?)

This girl made quite an impression on me, though I didn't realize it at the time. It was her eyes, I think. Anyway, a few days later I was working on a story, and this girl's face came to my mind as clear as day, as the face of the female character in the story. So as I wrote, I kept picturing, and then describing in detail, her face. And not just that, but the way she moved, the way she laughed... and I made up all kinds of details about her, of course. She became a character, and the character I created was charming, and beautiful. I wrote about her day after day, and even described sex scenes between her and the male protagonist.

Much to my surprise — back at my day job — I found myself back in the same town, back at the same store, a month and a half later. I certainly remembered the girl that worked there. I spied her when I was headed to the check out counter. She must have spied me too, because she was acting as the floating bagger, moving from register to register according to perceived need, and she was definitely at my register when I came to the front of the line.

I joked around with the old guy who was ringing me up as she stood there and put things in my bag. (Never underestimate the power of letting a girl do things for you, whether it's her job or not.) After a few moments I locked eyes with her. "Aren't you that guy who [does that one weird job]?" she asked me. "I remember you."

I smiled and chatted her up a little as she finished bagging my things. She left the register before I was done paying and when I walked to the exit, she followed me pushing a stack of carts. I turned around and intercepted her at the parking lot, and asked her out for a drink. She said yes and I asked for her number.

"Oh that's a problem. I don't just give my number out."

______time out______

Pop Quiz.

What should Master Dogen have done?

A) Given her my number instead.

B) Told her that was too bad, and walked off.

C) Told her maybe I'd see her around then.

D) Told her I don't give my number out either, and that we were at an impasse, and smiled.

______time in_______

The correct answer is D). Or if you have a better idea, leave it in the comments. I should have said I didn't give my number out either. Or I should have said, "Oh you aren't giving it out. You're giving it to me." And then smiled like a cocky son of a bitch.

The worst thing that can happen is that it backfires on you and she refuses to give you her number. Big deal. It's just a girl.

But I said, "Alright" and gave her my number instead. And trying to think of something cocky to say, as I walked off, I gave her a shit-eating grin and said, "Don't forget now."

"I won't."

Ugh. Not an epic fail, but a fail nonetheless. I was actually trying, at that point, and I'm sure it came through. Letting her shoot me down and then giving her my number as soon as she asked was very beta. And then adding that needy "Don't forget!" just made it worse.

Why did I act like that? I had a sneaking fear of losing that girl. I forgot she was just a girl. Some part of myself was convinced she was really important. You see, I'd built up this girl in my mind, the same as if I had been pining over her as an actual potential serious girlfriend.

That way lies beta, my friends.

It goes to show how powerful your own mind can be over ... well, over your own mind. Even though I was just writing a story about some imagined character, using this girl's face as a template to help me imagine the character, I was subconsciously building her up in my mind. I had no conscious desire to long for this woman, but my mind didn't care. The power of imagining it was enough to train my brain into adopting a lovelorn, beta posture with her.

I know my transgression doesn't sound that bad, and indeed it really wasn't that bad. At least I chatted her up. At least I asked her out. But I was pretty disappointed in myself afterwards when I reflected on it. I don't make those kinds of basic mistakes very often. It was almost a trick of fate that it happened, but I'm glad it did because it reminded me how strong mind-conditioning can be.

I can't really endorse the Think and Grow Rich method of positive self-reinforcement. Only because the only reinforcement people feel if they read aloud to themselves some list of goals is the reinforcement of seeing themselves as weird, desperate, pathetic people who have to resort to tricks like that.

But I don't doubt that it has worked for some people. And I absolutely believe that "fake it till you make it" is a powerful philosophy. I've made it work for me not only with women, but in business, in speaking foreign languages, hell, even in playing chess. If you train yourself to believe you can do something, you will find that belief coming true very often.

On the other hand, negative training can be equally powerful. If you mope, if you pine after a certain girl, if you convince yourself you are a loser in some way or another, guess what? It comes true even faster. Nothing is more self-defeating.


  1. "She said yes and I asked for her number."

    What should Master Dogen have done?

    Not _asked_ for the number.

    A) Let's trade numbers.
    B) Give me your number.
    C) How can we continue this conversation somewhere else?
    D) Type your number into my phone here.

    Maybe you went with B and you're just using "asked" in the general sense.

    Often, just the way you pose a question will trigger an automatic response.

    "Can I have your number?" is probably the worst but I can't even imagine you saying this.

  2. Yeah, good points, Jake.

    I should be more clear if I'm posing pop quizzes.

    I didn't actually ask for her number, like you say. I said, "Here, give me your number," and handed over my phone. That's when she said, "Oh, I don't give out my number."

    "Let's exchange numbers" is a good one. Also good is, "Let's see... how are we going to get in contact?" That let's her think it's her idea to give you her number. If she comes back with something lame and noncommittal like suggesting her email address, you can make a face like she just said something slightly lame, and then just tell her to give you her number instead.

  3. I would have said, "well, if you don't give it out, how bout I get it from the old guy cashier. I'm sure there is an employee roster in the back. That way you don't have to give it out and I can call you." the guy always makes the call and should be in control. Get the number - first rule of single alpha male. Yes, you failed - not epically, but a fail.

  4. her "i dont give out my number..."
    you "Haha how r we gonna get drinks then?"
    her "ok heres my number" OR "bla bla email BULLSHIT"
    you "ok ill call ya" OR "stop being so weird its not that serious. well Ill cya around" *walks away


  5. You should've said something like, "why, are you in the witness protection program?" or something similar that chases the point but is teasing and funny. She already wanted to go out with you so you just chase the point in a casual (non-direct) and funny way. As long as she's having fun she's being convinced. Chasing the point makes her think you want her, doing it in a funny way makes her wonder if you really care that much.

  6. @Dogen:
    You picked up on why I included A and C in the list; however D is still a better backup than B. The reason is that "give" can have connotations - her girlfriend may have previously told her "Don't just give out your number. Make him work for it." Or she may have read some similar "Rule." Notice how she repeats the word give in your story.

    The D option is more neutral/unusual so it's less likely to trigger resistance. As a bonus it's also more commanding and less open to interpretation. I completely agree with all your alternatives as well as your turnaround suggestion. The post was timely since I was in a similar situation a few days ago (I screwed up because I stopped thinking of her as just another girl).

    Another turnaround possibility(disqualify/ignore):
    Get distracted by something, backturn + ask "What's that?" (point at something in the environment) or change the subject and then restate differently.

    Another turnaround possibility (humor):
    "If you don't give out your number, how does your mom reach you? Does she dial every number until she hits the right one?" This may make her qualify her relationship to you and you can poke fun at that as well.

    Another turnaround possibility (humor, test for intelligence, disqualify self):
    "How sad... (pause). You don't have any friends. It's cool. WE can be friends." (high energy) or "I'll be your friend." (smirk)

    Getting a number from a third party may be seen as creepy and your response plays into her frame. Great if you can pull it off with humor but personally, I couldn't be congruent with that wording.

  7. Did she end up calling you, and going out w/you?

  8. Teeth Night Guard is selling precise fitting and high quality customized dental guards.

  9. Come and see how 1,000's of people like YOU are making a LIVING from home and are fulfilling their dreams right NOW.

  10. Just received a cheque for $500.

    Sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them about how much money you can earn filling out paid surveys online...

    So I show them a video of myself actually getting paid over $500 for filling paid surveys.

  11. If you need your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (no matter why you broke up) you must watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Why your ex will NEVER come back...

  12. The best things about Clixsense Work From Home Program:
    1. SURVEYS: 50+ 5-40 minute surveys paying out $0.50-$2.50 each.
    2. 12 OFFER WALLS - Earn $0.5-$20 per offer.
    3. MICRO TASKS - Complete 1,000's of micro tasks from lots companies.